101 Ways to Score with a Woman

[Extract from John Gray’s Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, in response to my brother’s posting of 3rd January, 2006]

A man thinks he scores high with a woman when he does something very big for her. This formula doesn’t work because women keep score differently. When a woman keeps score, no matter how big or small a gift of love is, it scores one point; each gift has equal value.

There are a variety of ways a man can score points with his partner without having to do much. It is just a matter of redirecting the energy and attention he is already giving. Most men already know about many of these things but don’t bother to do them because they don’t realize how important the little things are to a woman. A man truly believes the little things are insignificant when compared to the big things he is doing for her.

The way women score points is not just a preference but a true need. Women need many expressions of love in a relationship to feel loved. One or two expressions of love, no matter how important, will not, and cannot, fulfill her.

Following is a list of 101 of the little ways a man can [score points with women].

1. Upon returning home find her first before doing anything else and give her a hug.
2. Ask her specific questions about her day that indicate an awareness of what she was planning to do (eg., “How did your appointment with the doctor go?”).
3. Practise listening and asking questions.
4. Resist the temptation to solve her problems – emphatize instead.
5. Give her 20 minutes of unsolicited, quality attention (don’t read newspapers or be distracted by anything else during this time).
6. Bring her cut flowers as a surprise as well as on special occasions.
7. Plan a date several days in advance, rather than waiting for Friday night and asking her what she wants to do.
8. If she generally makes dinner or if it is her turn and she seems tired or really busy, offer to make dinner.
9. Compliment her on how she looks.
10. Validate her feelings when she is upset.
11. Offer to help her when she is tired.
12. Schedule extra time when traveling so that she doesn’t have to rush.
13. When you are going to be late, call her and let her know.
14. When she asks for support, say yes or no without making her wrong for asking.
15. Whenever her feelings have been hurt, give her some empathy and tell her “I’m sorry you feel hurt. Don’t offer solutions or explanations why her hurt is not your fault.
16. Whenever you need to pull away, let her know you will be back or that you need some time to think about things.
17. When you’ve cooled off and you come back, talk about what was bothering you in a respectful, non blaming way, so she doesn’t imagine the worst.
18. Offer to build a fire in wintertime.
19. When she talks to you, put down your magazine or turn off the TV and give her your full attention.
20. If she usually washes the dishes, occasionally offer to wash the dishes, especially if she is tired that day.
21. Notice when she is upset or tired and ask what she has to do. Then offer to help by doing a few of her “to do” items.
22. When going out, ask if there is anything she wants you to pick up at the shops, and remember to pick it up.
23. Let her know when you are planning to take a nap or leave.
24. Give her four hugs a day.
25. Call her from work to ask how she is or to share something exciting or to tell her I love you”.
26. Tell her “I love you” at least a couple of times every day.
27. Make the bed and clean up the bedroom.
28. If she washes your socks, turn your socks right side out so she doesn’t have to.
29. Notice when the rubbish bin is full and offer to empty it.
30. When you are out of town, call to leave a telephone number where you can be reached and to let her know you arrived safely.
31. Wash her car.
32. Wash your car and clean up the interior before a date with her.
33. Wash before having sex or put on a cologne if she likes that.
34. Take her side when she is upset with someone.
35. Offer to give he a back or neck or foot massage (or all three).
36. Make a point of cuddling or being affectionate sometimes without being sexual.
37. Be patient when she is sharing. Don’t look at your watch.
38. Don’t flick the remote control to different channels when she is watching TV with you.
39. Display affection in public.
40. When holding hands don’t let your hand go limp.
41. Learn her favourite drinks so you can offer her a choice of the ones that you know she already likes.
42. Suggest different restaurants for going out; don’t put the burden of figuring out where to go on her.
43. Get season tickets for the theatre, symphony, opera, ballet, or some other type of performance she likes.
44. Create occasions when you both can dress up.
45. Be understanding when she is late or decides to change her outfit.
46. Pay more attention to her than to others in public.
47. Make her more important than the children. Let the children see her getting your attention first and foremost.
48. Buy her little presents – like a small box of chocolates or perfume.
49. Buy her an outfit (take a picture of your partner along with her sizes to the store and let them help you select it).
50. Take pictures of her on special occasions.
51. Take short romantic getaways.
52. Let her see that you carry a picture of her in your wallet and update it from time to time.
53. When staying in a hotel, have them prepare the room with something special, like a bottle of champagne or sparkling apple juice or flowers.
54. Write a note or make a sign on special occasions such as anniversaries and birthdays.
55. Offer to drive the car on long trips.
56. Drive slowly and safely, respecting her preferences. After all, she is sitting powerless in the front seat.
57. Notice how she is feeling and comment on it – “You look happy today” or “You look tired” – and then ask a question like “How was your day?”
58. When taking her out, study in advance the directions so that she does not have to feel responsible to navigate.
59. Take her dancing or take dancing lessons together.
60. Surprise her with a love note or poem.
61. Treat her in ways you did at the beginning of the relationship.
62. Offer to fix her something around the house. Say “What needs to be fixed around here? I have some extra time.” Don’t take on more than you can do.
63. Offer to sharpen her knives in the kitchen.
64. Buy some good Super Glue to fix things that are broken.
65. Offer to change light bulbs as soon as they go out.
66. Help with recycling the rubbish.
67. Read our loud or cut our sections of the newspaper that would interest her.
68. Write out neatly any phone messages you may take for her.
69. Keep the bathroom floor clean and dry it after taking a shower.
70. Open the door for her.
71. Offer to carry the groceries.
72. Offer to carry heavy boxes for her.
73. On trips, handle the luggage and be responsible for packing it in the car.
74. If she washes the dishes or it is her turn, offer to help scrub pots or other difficult tasks.
75. Make a “to fix” list and leave it in the kitchen. When you have extra time do something on that list for her. Don’t let it get too long.
76. When she prepares a meal, compliment her cooking.
77. When listening to her talk, use eye contact.
78. Touch her with your hand sometimes when you talk to her.
79. Show interest in what she does during the day, in the books she reads and the people she relates to.
80. When listening to her, reassure her that you are interested by making little noises like ah ha, uh-huh, oh, mmhuh, and hmmmm.
81. Ask her how she is feeling.
82. If she has been sick in some way, ask for an update and ask how she is doing or feeling.
83. If she is tired offer to make her some tea.
84. Get ready to go to sleep together and get in bed at the same time.
85. Give her a kiss and say good-bye when you leave.
86. Laugh at her jokes and humour.
87. Verbally say thank you when she does things for you.
88. Notice when she gets her hair done and give a reassuring compliment.
89. Create special time to be alone together.
90. Don’t answer the phone at intimate moments or if she is sharing vulnerable feelings.
91. Go bicycling together, even if it’s just a short ride.
92. Organize and prepare a picnic. (Remember to bring a picnic cloth.)
93. If she handles the laundry, bring the clothes to the cleaners or offer to do the wash.
94. Take her for a walk without the children.
95. Negotiate in a manner that shows her that you want her to get what she wants and you also want what you want. Be caring, but don’t be a martyr..
96. Let her know you missed her when you went away.
97. Bring home her favourite pie or dessert.
98. If she normally shops for the food, offer to do the food shopping.
99. Eat lightly on romantic occasions so that you don’t become stuffed and tired later.
100. Ask her to add her thoughts to this list.
101. Leave the bathroom seat down.